Okay, so what I'm writing about happened two weeks ago, but I was waiting until I had proof before I posted this blog.
I was at Fort Fisher beach two weekends ago, enjoying a glorious Sunday afternoon basking in the sun and lunching on some Hairy Tits goodies. (For those of you who don't know, Hairy Tits is Harris Teeter. And Publix is Pube Licks, just so we're clear.)
When we got to the beach, there were 9 llamas standing around, with their owners, just chilling at the beach.
Okay, I couldn't just ignore them and go on my merry way, so we walked up to the owners and asked what the heck was up with all the llamas.
The owners said they just felt like bringing the llamas to the beach that day, so there they were! Taking a day on the beach to air out the llamas. I thought I remembered something about llamas being mountain-animals, but I wasn't sure. So I asked, "Are llamas native to beachy areas. I mean, do they like the ocean and sand and whatnot?"
The head llama lady (we'll call her Dolly Llama from now on since I don't know her name...but she kinda looked like a Dolly) looked at me like I was stupid and said "Well, I guess we'll find out today." Whatever.
Now let me tell you. The only thing weirder than 9 llamas on the beach are 9 llama owners on the beach. These people were weeeeeeird. I mean, really really weird.
I thought, "Okay, that's cool. Bringing the llamas to the beach to do a little public edumacation about the way of the llama. I can dig it."
But that's not at all what they were there for. They really didn't want anything to do with anyone else on the beach who showed any interest in the llamas. They just wanted to be in there own llama world...Llamaland.
So once they got settled they busted out the llama games. It was a veritable LLamalympics if you will. First, they started with limbo. Llama limbo. They seriously brought a limbo bar to the beach, and were trying to get these things to limbo. Not UNDER the bar, like human limbo. But OVER the bar. Like dumb llamas.
Only, the llamas looked like they had never seen a limbo bar before, so the owners had to "teach" them how to do it, by "jumping" over the limbo bar first themselves. (I'm using the word "jumping" very loosely, because these llama owners were about as athletic as me...and we all know that I'm the most nonathletic person in the world, next to Anna Nicole Smith. Oh wait, stripping does require some degree of agility...never mind, I now am officially the most nonathletic person in the world. And she's dead anyway.)
Let me tell you, there was only 1 llama out of the 9 who got the whole limbo concept. And I don't think it's because he was any smarter than the others. I don't think any of them were smart at all. I just think his legs were a little longer. That's not skill. That's genes.
So after llama limbo, they played a little marathon game. They had two buckets, strung together, which they slung over each llamas back. The object was to walk to llama to the ocean, the owner would fill the buckets with water, put the buckets back on the llama, and walk back to one giant bucket and empty the water in there. They split up into two teams, and whoever filled their big bucket first was the all mighty winner...the Dalai Llama.
Just one problem with this game...llamas do not in fact like the ocean. I would go so far as the say that they "hate" the ocean. So it ended up just being a human race, with the llamas watching in disbelief at the stupidity and unathleticism of their owners. You know it's sad when a llama, the dorkiest of pets, thinks that you are a dork.
During the water races, one of the llamas (which had been tied to a beach chair during the race since he wasn't participating...he probably had asthma) took off down the beach, still leashed to the beach chair, and dragging it in tow. The Dolly Llama had to chase after the thing down the beach for a few feet. That was probably the most exciting moment of that poor llamas life.
While all of this is going on, and while I am still in disbelief at what I am seeing, it hits me...I don't have my camera with me!!
Now, my friends can vouch for me on this...I ALWAYS have my camera with me. ALWAYS. I bring it to even the most mundane events, trips, get-togethers, etc. Because I never know when something awesome will happen that I'll want a picture of. I bring my camera everywhere.
Except for this day.
So here I am, on the beach, witnessing this remarkably ridiculous spectacle, and I don't have a camera to even prove it.
An hour went by as I watched the llamas, stewing over the fact that I would have no proof. An hour. Then I decided to do something about it.
I found a tourist on the beach. She had a camera. Her name was Cathy. Cathy was now going to be my new best friend. :)
Cathy agreed to take pics of the llamas for me and email them after she got back from her vacation, so I could show you all after writing my blog.
Cathy also suggested that she take a picture of me WITH the llamas. Cathy was now no longer my best friend.
I was terrified of the llamas. Did I mention that earlier? My bad. Yeah, they are creepy. Right up there with clowns, mimes, and marionette dolls. Llamas are creepy.
"Go on up there and I'll get a picture of you with the big one!", Cathy, my ex-bestfriend says.
Now, I can't tell her no and be mean to her, because if I don't do what she says, then I won't get my pics. I was going to have to take one for the team. (And by "team", I mean you, my dear readers. So you best recognize the agony I went through for you!)
So, here I am, next to the biggest, nastiest llama on the beach that day. I thought he was going to tear my arm off. Or at least spit in my eye. But I survived, and here are the pics to prove it. Enjoy.
Cellulite and Tell You Right,
Andy
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