Beastiality, Cannibalism, and Men Who Eat Meat

There are quite a few commercials out there right now which seem completely ridiculous to me. I find myself sitting in front of the "boobtube" (as my grandpa called it) after watching a commercial, and wondering what the ad. executives were thinking when they gave the "go ahead" with some of these commercials.


#1: Why is Old Spice trying to entice me into beastiality?
The commercial shows a centaur, taking a shower with their latest product.So here's the stream of consciousness going on in my head... Oh hey, look. It's a hot dude getting all sudsy in the shower. (Camera pans out) Wait, that's not a hot dude. It's a centaur. But still, a hot centaur. Wait, what am I saying, a hot centaur? You can't say that...it's icky. But the dude-part of him IS hot. It's just the horse-part that I'm against. Okay, the commercial is almost over. Good. Cuz I'm not sure what to do about my semi-attraction to the hot Old Spice Centaur Dude. And as if forcing that kind of thought process onto someone isn't icky enough, the commercial doesn't stop there. It continues, to show the dude getting out of the shower, being greeted by (presumably) his girlfriend/wife/live-in equine enthusiast. Which makes things even weirder. Because then your though process jumps somewhere we're not even going to go on this blog. Ick. What was Old Spice thinking? Were they trying to appeal to men, implying that all men are studs? Please, spare me. Were they trying to appeal to women? If so, they definitely didn't rope in this filly.



#2 Did she just dip that strawberry in his belly button?
Okay, I admit it, I'm already predisposed to hating any and all Axe products. This probably comes from chaperoning many week-long retreats with the middle school boys from my church, and going into a chemical-induced coughing fit every time they would spray that mess on themselves in the back of the bus. But, having said that, even if this product was being launched by a company that I actually liked, I still would be really creeped out by their latest commercial. They are plugging the "Axe Dark Temptation" scent, with the idea that if a dude sprays the "cologne" on, he will become as irresistable as dark chocolate. The women in this commercial are ridiculous. Like a pack of rabbid Michael Vick-owned dogs, these women are biting chunks out of this guys like they haven't eaten in weeks. It is beyond creepy. It edges on cannibalism, but since the guy is made out of chocolate, I guess the over-payed ad. execs thought it would be 'funny'. Bleh. Grosses me out. I don't want a mental image of a guy taking his nose off, and sprinkling its bits all over my icecream. Also, his constatly wide-open eyeballs are super skeevy. This chocolate-covered dude not only enjoys having his body parts eaten, but he also has the kind of crazy eyes you often find on serial killers, rapists, and- oh yeah--cannibals. This commercial is almost enough to make me turn away from my dark chocolate-loving ways. Almost.



#3 Oh hey, you love breathing air?!? I love breathing air, too!!! We're just meant to be together!!!
I'm going to preface this complaint by saying that I have had many, many, many good friends find great relationships via online dating sites such as match.com, eharmony, fishinthesea, etc. So this isn't a bash against those methods, please understand me. I just need to point out the ridiculousness of one of the latest commercials. (I couldn't find it online anywhere, but you've probably seen it already.) Black and white shot, featuring a guy in a fedora, if I remember correctly. He goes on to say to the camera somethign like, "I'm an all-American guy. I LOVE cheeseburgers." Oh wow. Form a line ladies, let's not get rowdy. I know how badly we've all been scouting the world, looking for a Prince Charming out there who loves cheeseburgers. He surely is one-of-a-kind.
Please. This guy is less Prince Charming, and more Hamburglar. I can't imagine anyone is storming the match.com site after seeing that gem. (Also, the commercial closes with a closeup of him eating a Hostess cupcake. Seriously? Is this guy a 5 year old who still lives with his mother? I can't handle it.)

I've never taken any classes in advertising, marketing, or anything like that, so I may be way off base here. Though I don't have any book-smarts on commercial advertising, I do have expertise in one very important area...I'm a consumer. And a female consumer at that, which is in the majority. There are more of us. And we are the ones who do most of the shopping and buying. So if I'm not diggin' the concept of a beastialitous (is that even a word) relationship, biting a chunk out of some total stranger's butt while I'm riding public transportation buses, or running as fast as I can to the nearest cheeseburger-eating contest to find myself the guy of my dreams, then I'm sure I can't be the only one out there who feels this way.