Your Epidermis is Showing

Well, here it is. "Fashion" (using the term extremely loosely here) has taken a giant nosedive into a rotting pile of skanky laundry.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to my subject matter for the day...the "Bikini Jean".

Really, ladies? Really? Was there such a high demand out there for jeans that ride LOWER than those currently available in stores? I mean, it's bad enough that I have to scour the very depths of the bargain bins like Jacques Cousteau in order to find a pair of jeans that will sit ABOVE my butt crack. Now this?

If an article of clothing is so revealing that it has to have panties built right into it, something is terribly wrong. For funsies, let's dissect categorically what is so wrong about these "pants"...

1. "Your epidermis is showing."
A LOT of it. Too much of it. I have never met anyone who ever uttered the words "The pockets on these pants are so restricting...if I could just cut out the sides of the jeans, I would feel SO much more comfortable."

2. Holding on by a string.
Well, two string, in this case. But seriously, those two strings are the only thing keeping these jeans up on your body. One swift sneeze, and you'd better hope that you're wearing REAL panties underneath those fake sowed-on thongs. Otherwise, you'll be feeling a nice breeze where the sun don't shine, and offering a free show to anyone within sight line of you.

3. Why even bother with the long pants?
It strikes me as hilarious that this article of clothing was constructed with such revealing cutouts in scandalous areas, and yet is so concealing of other ares of the body. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever have I heard any woman say "You know, I just wish I could find some jeans that show off my fabulous underwear-zone, but that still will hide my awful knees." It just doesn't happen. If you are comfortable enough to show that much skin near your bikini area, then why even bother taking the jeans all the way to the floor? Why not just go ahead and make them Daisy Dukes? Or heck, why bother wearing pants at all? You're already showing off anything and everything anyone would be interested in...why not just let the rest of your body breathe and go naked?

4. Hey fellas? Would you care for some rancid, cheap, and overly-advertised milk? Or would you like to purchase this conservatively-dressed cow at a reasonable price?
Ladies, after centuries of the old "Why buy the cow..." adage, you still haven't gotten it. Yeah, you're gonna get oggled, and you're gonna have men staring at you when you wear these. And I guess some of you find that appealing, because you equate being stared at with being loved. But you're already showing off the goods, so these jeans will only hold their attention for a short period, and then they will quickly get bored with them. And they'll expect to see more skin from the next outfit. And more skin on the next date. I'm not saying that you have to wrap yourself head to toe in burlap like some impoverished, inbred mountain-folk or anything like that. But honestly, what message are you trying to send with this outfit? I can tell you what kind of message you are sending to me, and I'm not even a guy. Just imagine what kind of messages those little receptors the male "brains" are getting.

In closing, I'm disappointed, but not stunned with this latest design. More and more I see outfits worn in public that should only be worn in one of two places: a) The privacy of your own home infront of your own husband OR b)a strip club. And more and more I find myself sensitive to this issue. I work with the middle school ministry at my church, and I love each and every one of those girls like they were my own little sisters. I am also the aunt of a new amazing niece. When I think about the middle schoolers I love, and when I think about my precious niece, and the hopes and dreams I have for them, this increasingly disgusting social acceptance of sexual provocation really sickens me.

Ladies- I'm not preaching here. I am stating the truth. The female body is captivating. And wonderous. And for your husband to enjoy. It was not designed to spark the sexual desires of every man you pass on the street. You control your body, and you control the vibes you are sending out to the world with it.

Men- Yes, the female body is captivating. And wonderous. But please remember the next time you find yourself oggling a woman...that woman is some man's wife. Maybe she is currently married or maybe she is someone's future wife. Treat every woman out there like she is a wife. Just because a woman is advertising herself in a sexually explicit manner doesn't mean you have to react to it. (And every once in a while, make an effort to compliment those of us who dress in a more respectful manner. Every woman at her core needs to know she is beautiful to someone.)

So yeah, I can make fun of the new fashion, and everyone gets a good laugh. But just remember that the surfacing of these latest trends point to something sad and lost in our society.

Also, if I see any of MY friends wearing anything like this, don't think I won't call you out, girl. ;)

Cellulite and Tell You Right,
Andy