Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Hey Jerk! No one gives me a bad day but me, got it?!

Most days in the office for me are bad days.

Well, that's not really fair to say. A bad day in the office usually doesn't make the entire day bad, just 9 hours of it.

Example: Today, our temp. employee got mad at me because I called her a temp. (???) So, then she confronted me and for 5 minutes she explained to me how she takes her job "very seriously", and being called "a temp." hurt her feelings. (This is the same temp. who cannot write any of our press releases without several egregious spelling errors. The same temp. who I have to explain eight different times the location of our payroll office. The same temp. who (per my boss) has been made exempt from certain aspects of her job because she "doesn't do well talking to people". The same temp. who never, ever, ever responds to email requests from anyone. THAT temp.) And yes, I referred to her as a "temp." to someone...because she is in fact a temp. employee. But she was "insulted". So then I was made to apologize, and tell her I wouldn't ever do it again.

Forced apologies always make me feel like a 5 year-old again. "Now Andy, say you're sorry for calling Becky a poopy-head." Ridiculous.

So, to make sure Temp didn't have the final say on my bad day, I left the office for my lunch break and went bathing suit shopping. Because that ALWAYS makes you feel better about yourself, right?

Bathing suit shopping after a forced coworker apology is the office equivalent of eating a warm turd sundae and then topping it with salmonella syrup.

So yeah, maybe not the best decision. I had 29 bathing suits in my hands. Their fitting room limit is 6 (stupid rule!). So after all that squeezing, jiggling, jumping, and shimmying into these 29 different sausage casings called "swimsuits", I finally found one I could live with. I guess you could say the only winner in this scenario was Target, where for $30 I found this little gem...

Which I was pretty excited to find. Because 1) I am leaving for vacation in 2 weeks and my old bathing suit is so threadbare it is practically see-through, and 2) I am THRILLED to have found a bathing suit that did not weigh 15 lbs. all by itself.

What is it with swimsuit designers? They assume if you are a plus-sized girl, surely you must want a suit that nips, tucks, sucks, lifts, separates, and smooths every curve of your body. I have tried on a million different suits, and they all have so much sewn into them that you feel like you are wearing a Kevlar vest. Yyyeah, cuz that's what I want at the beach...to have an underwire from my bathing suit pierce my chest cavity, have my lung collapse, and then have the Life Guard not be able to even save me because he couldn't cut through the 18 layers of "slimming" Spandex in the suit in order to give me chest compressions. That's totally how I want to go out.

No thank you, designers.

I need something that lets me move. That dries quickly. And that makes me feel pretty. 

I don't need to feel like I'm wearing a laser-tag vest. And I don't need the suit to come with an instruction manual on how to strap myself into it. 

Anyone else out there this season find anything that worked for them? 

Cellulite and Tell You Right, 

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