Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sssshhhh, do you hear that? It is my vagina ticking...

I'm at that age (twenty mufflemuffle-ish) when ALL of my friends are either pregnant or have already popped a few out. I actually kind of like this stage for the most part. I get invited to super fun little kid birthday parties (oh man, one was held at the firehouse and all the firemen came out and gave us tours and whatnot....tasty), I get to play with all the cool new toys, and any time I feel my stupid biological clock starting to go into "alarm" mode, I just hang out with some of my friends' kids until they have one of those flailing on the floor and crying uncrontrollably meltdowns in aisle 12 of the grocery store...then I'm totally remedied of that ohhh-but-they-are-so-cute-and-cuddly-and-i-want-one-inside-me-and-can-we-name-him-Jude-and-give-him-a-mohawk phase.

So yeah, for the most part, I totally dig this stage of my life. The whole "being the ousider because I don't have a kid yet" thing doesn't really bother me.

Except for the whole "Ohhhh, so you don't have any kids? (Insert super confused or frowny face here)," that I hear constantly from people. They aren't saying it, but this is what they are assuming about you if you are a twenty mufflemuffle-ish year old woman and you haven't managed to get anything but Cinnabon's in that oven of yours...

Assumption #1: You must hate kids, huh Andy?
Oh my gosh....SO not true. I stinkin' love them, okay? I spend hours of my life each week with children...voluntarily! I like how they are super honest. I like how they don't worry about what people think about them. I like their creativity. I like how they will totally pee on you if you are taking too long to change their diaper. I like how they can make an entire crappy day disappear with one giggle. I like how they pick their nose and eat their boogers in public. I like how they will repeat ANYTHING you tell them to say. I like when they slip up and tell me things about their mommy and daddy that they probably would prefer I not know. I stinkin' love kids, mkay? Just because I don't have one of my own doesn't mean I'm out there turning them into mice like those witches from that movie The Witches. I love kids. Period.

Assumption #2: You must be totally selfish, huh Andy?
Well, yes. Yes I am. But guess what? I have earned the right to be selfish. Not having kids means you get the following benefits as part of the package: being able to spend your money on whatever you want, not just braces, new clothes for them to wear to school, and 80 bags of diapers a year; getting to go wherever I want for vacation, instead of making sure it is child-friendly; getting to take road trips; staying up late and sleeping in; eating unbalanced meals....ALL of these glorious things are perks of not having children. So don't be angry at me because you can't go to Cancun for vacation anymore. And don't make faces at me when I say I ate marshmallows and poptarts for dinner. Don't hate. I'm trying to get all of this out of my system NOW so when/if I do have children, I won't be all bitter and disgruntled toward them. There are perks to having children, and there are perks to not having children. So just eeeeeease up on thinking we non-parents are selfish.

Assumption #3: Ohhhh, she probably can't have kids. Poor thing.
Whoah whoah whoah. Just because a woman hasn't tried to use her baby-making organs doesn't mean they don't work. Back up off our grills, okay? If one more granny-aged well-meaning cotton-headed lady asks me if "Everything is in working order," when I tell her I don't have kids, I might just snap and end up asking her the same question. Just because I'm not using my middle finger right now, doesn't mean it doesn't work. It just means I'm learning restraint. With my middle finger, and the rest of my body, thank you very much.

So yeah, just to settle the dispute:
1- I love kids.
2- I'm allowed to be in the selfish phase of my life
3- Ew...please don't think about whether certain organs in my body are in good working order. That is just creepy.

Cellulite and Tell You Right,


  1. I have three I am willing to donate to you! Yes, school starts soon, but not soon enough!!!

  2. I'm going to read this to my kids as their bedtime story tonight.

  3. Andy, did you just say your vagina is ticking?!?! oh. my. gosh. You are too much. I will never look at my alarm clock the same.

  4. Dang, you know some nosy-ass people, Andy! I totally feel you on this, except for the liking kids part... I've always felt totally uncomfortable around children, so I can't say I have this strong maternal urge. BUT... more and more of my peers are checking in to babytown, and it makes my uterus feel a little wistful. My brain still says "Mmmm... wine, mmm... sleeping," but my arms are all "when will you fill us with a warm snuggly little bundle of baby?" Gah.

    I really hate it when people just assume that since I'm married, kids are the next thing on the to-do list. Nope. I have grad school to attend and a dog to raise, and that's enough for now. It's especially annoying when I admit that I'm not looking to spawn for another several years, if that, and I get met with a horrified look and a "You can't wait that long! That's the danger zone!" Yeesh. If I want to try to have a baby when I'm 35, that's my biz.

    End comment rant. ;)