Fear and Loathing in November

As most of you know, I try to have the fewest things I am obligated to in my life at all times. I went through this whole life-altering realization a few years ago that I did waaaay too many things out of obligation and guilt, and that it was going to stop immediately.

Surprisingly, I have been doing amazingly well with this for the past few years. I have been able to keep my calendar mostly balanced, with the occasional blip here and there.

Until November.

What the frig happened to my November?!

Crazy Idea #1: Somehow, I decided it would be awesome to take a "Conversational French" class every Tuesday night in November.
(One important thing to note: The full extent of my knowledge of the French language comes from reading Eloise books, having an uncontrollable obsession with all of the French movies that Gérard Depardieu has been in, and love love loving Leslie Caron. What the heck was I thinking?) Here is the extent of what I learned after one session of the class... "Conversational" ≠ "Beginner". They are two VERY different things. Also, French is NOT Spanish. I had 6 years of Spanish under my belt...I figured I would totes be able to pick up French in un minuto. Wrooooong! I spent 2 hours avoiding eye contact with the teacher in the fear I would be called on. And also spent two hours feeling like I was 16 again, but not in the fun "Hey look, I have perky boobs again" kind of way. More the "Omg, I haven't done my homework in 2 weeks, I hope that doesn't show up on my report card, my mom will kill me" kind of way.

Crazy Idea #2: Starting the Couch to 5K training plan.
Oh man, even typing that out makes me crack up laughing. Those of you who know/have seen me, know I am not built to be a runner. I have fat knees that look really stupid in those running shorts. And super high arches. And ginormous boobs which will seriously poke me in the eyeball if they aren't strapped down with so much Duck Tape that I won't be able to breathe properly and will pass out before I get beyond my block of houses. But it sounded like a good idea at the time. And honestly, the first few weeks are not bad at all. Ask me again how I feel about this in a few weeks, and I might throw my Duck Tape-reinforced sports bra right at your naturally skinny face.

Crazy Idea #5 (I know, we skipped 3 & 4, but crazy ideas multiply exponentially...try to keep up): NaNoWriMo.
Basically, this is a writing exercise in production, with an emphasis on quantity over quality. It just frees you up to write write write write write and not get bogged down in the editing process too much. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month's time. Now, if you rock, you could pump out 1,666 words a day and it would be a cake walk. That is, if you have time EVERY DAY to write. Which is a laugh. Especially since I have already signed up for the Couchto5K and the Conversational French class. So basically my Sunday through Wednesdays are completely booked and zero words will get written. Which leaves me with Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to write 4,166 words each day. But let's be honest....Thursday is the first night all week that I get home before 10pm. That night will clearly have to be used for laundry, plucking my eyebrows, pretending I have enough money in my bank account to clear all the checks I have to write to pay my bills, and in general vegging on the couch and trying to regain some semblance of sanity before I pass out on the sofa around 830pm and drool all over my favorite pillow. So that really leaves Friday and Saturday. Which would mean 6,250 words each of those days. But come on. You know Boyfriend and I are going to want to do something fun on either Friday or Saturday night. (Which basically means staying at home to watch UFC on the television and eating frozen pizzas because we are both super broke lately.) But still, we have fun. And fun is NECESSARY for sanity. So that kind of leaves me with one single solitary day a week that I might possibly eek out some writing if I am very lucky and wake up super early and the stars all align and there isn't a marathon of America's Next Top Model showing on TV. So yyyyyyeah, I'm thinking 50,000 words just aren't going to happen. I will be lucky if i get 5,000. But hey, it is all for fun and exercise. So I'm all in.

Crazy Idea #25: Give up soda during the week, forcing myself to only drink water or juice.
I am allowing myself one soda on Sundays before I have to jump in a room where I am responsible for 20 children, all three years old (or maybe younger). (Okay, clearly I must have bumped my head while doing my Couch to 5K run. This is the worst idea EVER!) Caffeine is SO needed to make it through my November.

Crazy Idea #625: Agree to paint my boss's spare bedroom.
I seriously don't know how this one happened. One minute I was living a life where I would never have to darken the doorway of my boss' house ever. The next I had agreed to not only come to her personal home, but to provide a service. I must have been in a very exhausted, very broke place in life for me to agree to this. (Also, bizarre side note: She is painting her spare bedroom the exact color of our offices. On purpose. Why would you EVER want to be sitting at home and be reminded of your office? I don't get it. Unless you are one of those people who just looooves their job because oh.em.gee. it is SO super great and fulfilling and honorable. And if that is the case, we are probably not friends, and you're probably not reading this blog.)

So in light of these ridiculous projects I have already taken on this month, I am also going to add one more to the list...

I am going to participate in No Shave November. Which actually is PERFECT timing, because it accomplishes two things: 1) Frees up exactly 12-20 minutes a week of my life to write/run/learn French/drink water/paint a room instead of shaving. Score for "found" time! And 2) Allows me to stay all warm and toasty since it has finally decided to start acting like Fall in my neck of the woods and things have gotten a little brisker. Plus, once my body hair starts to get reallllly long, we can compare who is the fuzziest, which will give Boyfriend and me something to do that is cheap and also gross entertaining. Score.

Sooooo, all of that to say this...

If during your morning commute, you see some furry-legged woman trying to run, all while she is listening to French lessons on her iPod, writing in a small journal, drinking something that looks like Coke out of her Deer Park water bottle and covered in paint splotches...Yyyyeah, that will be me. Hot, right?

Cellulite and Tell You Right,
Andy