Thursday, February 11, 2010

T&A, and VDay, Oh My!

Here is the thing about Valentine's Day...

Most men are clueless. They really are, bless 'em. (Unless you found one of the super-awesome-thoughtful-considerate ones....if so, ask them to send a message back to their planet to send down more like him!) So instead of putting effort into it, they go with something easy. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but special Valentine's Day jewelry shaped like a woman's rear.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the award for most awful Valentine's Day Jewelry Design goes to...(drumroll please)...

The "Open Hearts" collection, by Jane Seymour
Come on now, I can NOT be the only one who sees two things when I look at this design (and it's not two hearts, either). I'm talking about boobs and butt, people. Rack and rear. What woman would want to wear this design? It looks like a poorly graffitied homage that some thug sprayed on the side of a Metro train to impress his 'boo'. (Yeah, I went there. Hello, 2002! Nice of you to show up!)

The last thing women want is a constant reminder dangling from our neck of the perfectly shaped boobs and butt we never had to begin with will never have again, thanks to squeezing out out your third child, Sir.

Second place award goes to the sterling silver Hershey Kiss Pendant Necklace.
Guys, do not even THINK about getting this for your lady. Not for Valentine's Day. Not for any other holiday. I don't care if a Hershey's Kiss holds some kind of special meaning for the two of you. I don't care if you met in Hershey, Pennsylvania, proposed to her on the Kissing Tower in Hershey Park, and made love to each other on a bed of Hershey Kisses on your first night as husband and wife. There is no reason to have chocolate candy-shaped silver dangling from your body.

Listen, I love chocolate just as much as the next girl. (Well, probably more than the next girl.) But just because you like something doesn't mean you should shape it out of sterling silver and dangle it from your neck like some Olympic Medal won in the Chocoholic Luge Race. What if you happen to love porkchops? Should your hubby get you a gold-plated pendant shaped like a pork chop for Valentine's Day? I would like to submit Man Rule #4985 for approval, stating "No food-shaped jewelry item should be presented to your wife." Guys, this is a rule set up for your own self-preservation. Adhere to it. I promise it won't let you down.

Also, can we talk about the fact that the craftsmanship is terrible? I mean, this looks like the kind of thing you get out of those quarter-machines at the front of the grocery store when you were a kid. If you get her this, some of those press-on tattoos, and a rubber bouncy ball she could have a veritable cornucopia of quarter-machine goodies!

Here is hoping the ladies in my life will not receive such hideousness for Valentines Day. And here is hoping that the men in my life are smart enough to steer clear of anything resembling boobs, butts, and pork chops when shopping for the woman who is supposed to be the love of their life.

Cellulite and Tell You Right,


  1. hahahahaha...i've been making fun of both those pieces in recent days. seriously??? a hershey kiss? i'll take a double stack from wendys please!!

  2. I would have to concur. I especially despise the Jane Seymour "Open Heart" collection of ridiculousness from the very first time I saw the oh so lame commercial. Way to go on educating our fine men on what mass produced heart/boob shaped jewelry not to purchase. Thanks for making the World a better place!

  3. I'm hoping for a bacon-shaped pendant for Valentines!

  4. As always...thanks for the laugh!

  5. You rock Andy. There aren't any other words for it. Great post. And you are spot on. What was Jane thinking?

  6. This is hysterical! Your sister shared the link and I subsequently sent it to everyone I know :) Thanks!! Caryn

  7. Oh. Em. Gee.

    I think I just fell in love a little.

  8. Wow i love you blog its awesome nice colors you must have did hard work on your blog. Keep up the good work. Thanks