Friday, September 4, 2009

Things I will NEVER do if I'm ever a mom

Okay, before all the moms out there go ballistic on me and start a Blogger Comment War, I'd just like to say these few things:
a) Yes, I know. I'm not a mom, and until I have kids, there are many things you think I just "wouldn't understand." Trust me, I have a full grasp of this concept. I hear this line at least 4 times a week. I get it. You're smarter than me because you are a parent.
b) This is just a blog. Something I do with my spare time. A few scrawlings across the screen so I can still feel okay about telling people I was an English major in college. This is just a blog. This is just a blog. This is just a blog.
c) Yes, I realize that if I ever do reproduce a little Mini Andy, that I'm sure I'll break every single one of these rules I have written down. And when that happens, I hope some young single child-less girl out there will see me doing one of these things, get frustrated, and then be prompted to write a blog exactly like this one. Life is cyclical people. Just like laundry.

Okay, so without further ado, I give you....

Things I Will NEVER Do If I'm Ever A Mom

1. I will never bring my 11-14 year old son bra shopping with me.
This is just down right wrong. I know sometimes you have several errands to run, and you've got the kids with you, and blah blah blah. I know babysitters are expensive (especially me, but that's only because I'm an awesome babysitter specializing in living room forts, braiding Barbie's hair, and awesome bedtime stories complete with the character voices and everything). And I know if you leave him at home by himself he will eat everything in the pantry and leave a trail of Oreo crumbs and half-empty Gatorade bottles for you to clean up when you get home. But if "Shop for bras and panties" is on your list of errands, you seriously need to find somewhere else for your son to be at this time. Last night, I was in the lingerie section of a store, and this kid was a wreck. One minute he was on his hands and knees crawling under the dressing room stalls, making machine gun noises. Later on he was taking some of the larger bras off of the rack, and seeing how far he could catapult a pair of panties across the room. After that, I caught him staring at the assortment of bras in my hand, and giving me a really creepy "I'm young enough to not quite understand all of this, but old enough to still have dirty thoughts running through my head" kind of look. Then he started to time himself to see how fast he could run from the Juniors panty section to the Women's World section and back. Then his little overstimulated brain got distracted by a display case, and he started reading out loud the advertisement for a particular new bra, turning to me while giggling and asking "What are 'concealing petals' for?" If I could have found his mother, I would have given her an earful. Or if I could have gotten my hands on him and gotten out of the store before security could tackle me, then I would have. But I'm not a particularly fast runner, so my only consolation is writing a blog about it to ensure I remember NEVER to bring my future-son bra shopping with me. Ever.

2. I will never lick my finger and wipe something off of my kid's face with it.
Seriously, this is gnarly. I know first hand, because it was done to me SEVERAL times as a kid. Really, is that tiny trail of chocolate on your kid's face bothering you THAT MUCH that you absolutely have to lick your thumb and smear it off? Now the kid not only has a chocolate smear on their face slightly resembling poo, but now their face has all of your mouth germs on it, and it smells like whatever you ate for lunch. Awesome. Good job, parents. You have just cemented your kid as The Stinky Kid in Class. How is this considered a better alternative to just leaving the chocolate on there? What ever happened to sleeves? Man, I'm 26 years old, and I still wipe my face on my shirt sleeve. That's why shirt sleeves exist. You are robbing them of their life's mission if you deny them this duty. I happen to think that kids with crud on their faces look endearing. I have been known to utter these very words more than once in my life..."Awww, look at that little monster with the trail of Cheeto's dust all over his cheek...isn't he cute?" But trust me, no one has ever said "Aww, look at that kid. He looks so much better now that the Ranch dressing has been smeared off of his face and replaced with a trail of dad-spittle."

3. I will never lie to my kid.
Wait, scratch that. That's ridiculous. Everyone lies to their kid. It is for their best interest, right?

4. I will never kid myself into thinking that the rest of the world agrees that my child is the most beautiful child in the world.
Look, let's be honest with each other here. We've all seen them. They exist, and they walk among us every day. The ugly kids. Or heck, maybe they aren't even ugly...but they're just not as cute as some of the other kids. Its okay to not be THE CUTEST KID IN THE WORLD (besides, that title is already held by my niece). We can't all have THE CUTEST baby. Of course parents think they have the most beautiful child. But you can't expect everyone in the world to agree with you. Because everyone else in the world has their own kids, who they think are the most beautiful kids in the world. So let's just take a look at the facts: Fact #1: Everyone in the world thinks they have a good sense of humor, a great eye for fashion, and the cutest kid. Fact #2: Everyone in the world can name at least one person who DOES NOT have a good sense of humor, a great eye for fashion, or the cutest kid. You do the math.

5. I will never be disappointed in my child for not having the exact set of interest that I do.
If I ever have a kid, I promise myself I will not expect them on the way out of the birth canal to pick up an interest in writing, an undying love for the music of Queen, and a penchant for singing in the shower. It is ridiculous to think that just because you gave life to something means it will mimic your every desire, talent, and goal in life. Is it awesome if it works out that way? Absolutely 100% yes. Is it a trajedy if it doesn't? Not at all. And I refuse to get all "Ohh, woe is me, I can't connect with my son/daughter because they're into _______ and I'm into _____." If I had a kid, and one day it said to me, "You know what mom? I think I really like taking computers apart and putting them back together again," I would be so amped up to discover that about my little monster. Do I share their excitement over motherboards? No. But the fact that they identified something they like independently of me is awesome. If my daughter expresses a desire to hold the world record for facial piercings, then so be it. What if my son just got a grant to study the mating rituals of creatures living in the Mariana Trench? Okay....not my thing, but hey---that's why God is awesome. We all have an infinite set of interests programmed into us. I hate seeing kids struggling and sacrificing themselves just to excel at something their parents love, but which they themself have no interest or passion for. Would I love to have a kid who will sing along with me while we're on road trips? Yes, that would be AWWWWESOME. But would I also love a kid who would rather study math theorems? You bet. I refuse to be one of those parents who wants a cookie cutter version of themself to pop out. I want something new. I want my kid to have their own thing. And I promise myself I will put forth great effort to support them in whatever that may be.

What are some of the things you promise yourself you will never do as a parent? Or maybe you had a list like this, but then had kids, and it all changed. Let me know...

Cellulite and Tell You Right,


  1. great list...none of them are off base at all to me being a mom I will say I agree with all of them...and the only one I have broken thus far is the licking finger face I also hated it as a child I have caught myself doing it on occasion...I think it is innate!!

  2. Facts 1 & 2 in item number 4 just made my day. Your writing always makes me laugh!

  3. Great post! At 33, I'm with you. I don't have kids, but I have my list of things I will never do as a mom. I think the one that tops my list is I will never tell my baby that she or he is fat or chubby or big for his/her size or any of that other stuff. I also won't share my own body issues with my kids.

    I have seen/met too many kids obsessed with their weight/size. Now I know that they look at magazines, watch Hannah Montana everyday and see all these skinny girls, but at some point it is the parents' responsibility to say, "Hey! That's not real life. Everyone isn't skinny. I wear size 14 and I am full of awesome sauce!"

    Another thing I won't do is take my small child to a rated R movie or a movie that is waaay out of their league. Luckily, I didn't see any small children at District 9, but I have seen kids at Transformers 2, Lord of the Rings, GI Joe, etc. (Mind you, I'm talking about 4-5 year olds, not 8-10 yeard olds.)

    Geez, Andy, you've really gotten me in a tizzy over this. Maybe I'll write a blog post, too.

  4. I have to say that MOST of the things Seth and I vowed we wouldn't do when we were childless, we have pretty much stuck to. In fact, I am more strict than I thought I would be. The only thing that has slipped is the TV time and stuff I thought I wouldn't let her eat. At two, she can out-please-and-thank-you most adults. -Emily