Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Friends with Benefits

And now, I present to you, the 8 Friends With Benefits  Everyone Loves

1. Doctor Friend-
We'll come to you with every rash, boil, burning sensation, muscle pull, and bout of of explosive diarrhea we ever have. Cuz we know it won't cost us a copay just to get your opinion. And we are hoping you carry that lil' prescription pad around in your pocket. What's're a Podiatrist? We don't's all the same to us. Especially those of us without healthcare.

2. Cop Friend-
Maybe you can make those pesky parking tickets of ours go away. Or give us the inside scoop on where the speeding traps will be set up next Sunday. We want to hear all your crazy local arrest stories. We want to know you've got our back when we get into a scuffle with our neighbor about our outdoor cat peeing on his lawn. And we pretty much are DYING for you to ask us to go on a Ride-Along with you so we can pretend to be all Good Cop/ Bad Cop and wear a bullet proof vest and fulfill our childhood fantasies.

3. Timeshare/Vacation Home Friend- What's that? You are planning a ski weekend to your home in Killington? We'd LOVE to come! You're planning a Spring Break trip down to your home in Key West and you want our family to come along so your kids aren't bored?! Suuuuuuuuure....I'll put in my vacation request at work now! You're looking for someone to watch your house in Egypt for a month while you "take a breather back in Pennsylvania"? Ummmmmmmm....I think I am washing my hair that month.

4. Techie Friend-
This is pretty much EXACTLY like the Doctor Friend. Except people HATE going to the doctor, and will put it off for 10 years. In the tech world, if something goes wrong with our stuff and our office's I.T. guy doesn't respond in 30 minutes we feel like the whole world is on fire and we can't even Tweet about it, and OMG WHAT DID PEOPLE DO WITHOUT A FUNCTIONING iPAD AND IF I STAND IN LINE AT BEST BUY'S GEEK SQUAD COUNTER ANY LONGER I WILL STAB MYSELF WITH THE SHARP END OF THIS CHARGER CORD AND  "Oh wait, that's right....I have a friend who is a techie....I'm totes covered!" (Insert fastest-finger dialing/texting to our most favoritist techie friend in the whole world). Then we will proceed to tell you what happened to our favorite piece of equipment using super informative and helpful words, like "thingy", and "screen of death" and "I don't know what happened, but after I spilled my entire Starbucks Trenta Latte on it things started to go haywire." You will then proceed to tell us to try turning it off and back on again, we will hear that fabulous Start-Up tone, and all will be right in the world again.

5. Waiter/Bartender Friend-
Oooooh, we looooove you, Bonefish Grill Waitstaff Friend. You magically find us a table in two minutes when the wait is already out the front door. We love that you tell us what NOT to eat from the menu. And we love that when we get our bill it is mysteriously smaller than it should be. You, my friend, will get a FAT tip.

6. Employee Discount Friend-
Come doesn't even really matter what store you work at, we will TOTALLY take advantage of your employee discount. Barnes and Noble Employee Friend? Yipeee! Nine West Employee Friend?! Score! Dollar Store Employee Friend?!?!/ We'll take it!!

7. Mechanic Friend-
Cars are stinkin' expensive!! And if we can get you to come work  on ours in our home garage and pay you in beers and home cooking then by golly, we're going to try! **Side note: You TOTALLY do not want to mistread Mechanic Friend...they hold your life in their hands....One sloppy break installation job and you will be wishing you sprung for the Guinness instead of the PBR when your buddy came over to work on your car.**

8. Strong Friend with a Truck-
This is a double-bonus friend. There will be times in your life when you are buying a huge sectional sofa, need to take bags upon bags of old junk to the dump, moving an entire house full of furniture, or are looking for someone to help tow you out of a mudpit...Strong Friend With a Truck is your go-to guy!

Who am I missing? Who is your favorite Friend With Benefits you love to have handy?

Cellulite and Tell You Right,


  1. The Same Size Fashionista Friend. Whether it's shoes, clothes, or even just accessories, this is the friend you call upon before any event with either a camera or a new guy. I love that friend! (Jen V)

  2. Ohhhhhhhhhh, that's a good one!!! I need to get one of those friends ASAP!!