The Summer of Cellulite

Americans become fascinated with weird things very easily...

~ Obnoxious New Jersey “Housewives” (although trust me, the average N.J. housewife does NOT resemble the TV versions at all)
~ Competitive Eating
~ “When Bears/Sharks/Crazy Brides Attack”
~ And more recently...a fascination with the larger side of living.

You know what I’m talking about, all you Princesses of Pudge, you Broads of Bulk, Ladies of Largeness, Dames of Dumpiness, Women of Width, and Femmes of Flab.

For some reason, this summer's TV lineup is proving to be all about the Girls of Girth, and I'm taking issue with two shows in particular...

“Dance Your Ass Off”

Premise: Let’s get a bunch of fatties together, squeeze them into fishnet stockings, throw a bunch of sequins on them, teach them some dance moves, and then criticize them on how poorly they executed a dance routine each week.

Look, I am all for getting in shape (especially since my current shape is “donut-shaped”). But what gets me is the exploitation factor. Should overweight people lose weight...YES. Should they have fun doing it...YES. Should it be broadcast on cable TV for all the world to see...I’m going with NO on this one. The producers will surely try and turn this into an overly dramatic depiction of what is really going on behind the scenes...see the clip below, where the contestants are throwing pillows in fits of cellulite-induced rage; making rabid, animalistic facial expressions while thundering onto a stair-stepper; and practically spouting sonnets to a wheel of cheesecake while basking in the refrigerator’s glowing light. Wouldn’t it be more humane to show what was really going on in their lives, instead of the fleeting moments of insanity and hunger-driven madness? Let’s show the contestants interacting with their families, let’s show them going grocery shopping and learning healthy buying techniques. Anything other than the freak-show ridiculousness that the Oxygen producers will surely turn this show into. Empresses of Excess, I implore you...we all need to get in shape. But it shouldn’t take public humiliation, degradation, and people who don’t care about you at all sitting in front of a “judging panel” to dissect your progress in order for you to be motivated to lose weight.



“More to Love”

Premise: Think “The Bachelor”, only McDonald’s Super Sized.

They should have just called this one “Average People in the Dating Scene”...it would have been more realistic. Because let’s face it... if you eliminate all of the aspiring (bad)actresses, worn out 80’s band groupies, and women who have more plastic in their bodies than Barbie...this is what you are left with. This is what real people look like...average, probably overweight, and unremarkable (pointing to myself as Exhibit A). The producers have been quoted as saying the bachelor is a “Kevin James-type”, and the women are plus-sized and looking for love (in all the wrong places, if you ask me). They have also stated that their emphasis will not be on getting the women to lose weight...it is simply to help them find true love. Let me tell you, I question ANYONE...size 2 or size 22... who thinks that a ‘reality’ show (using the term incredibly loosely here) will be the best venue for finding a soul mate. The promo bump hosts the typical shedding of tears along with all of the clichéd sayings we large women tell ourselves like “I do think I’m judged on my weight”, “I really really want to have that love story” and my personal favorite that I should just go ahead and get tattooed on the (large) small of my back “I just want people to love me for me”. Is this show a sign of the apocalypse...No. But seriously ladies, if you are large, and you’re looking for a date, why don’t you try going to the gym? You’ll accomplish two things...getting healthier, and the opportunity to meet men who have at least one common interest shared with you. Let’s not all bring out the claws to fight and compete over one fat guy. There’s plenty of him to go around, but just because FOX TV has deemed him a good candidate for a reality show doesn’t mean he is the best candidate to whisk you away into Happily Married Ever After.



In closing, I beg my fellow Meaty Maidens, Countesses of Corpulence, Squaws of Surplus, and Handmaidens of Heft: Yes, getting in shape should be a priority. But please do it in a healthy manor that won’t compromise your self-confidence, values, and acceptance of the person you are regardless of your ability to dance, your marital status, or your jean size.

Cellulite and Tell You Right,
Andy